is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
My cat gives me a boner
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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