I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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