I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
