i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
