It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
This house was built for laser tag.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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