I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
