The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
