I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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