drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
