i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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