Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Randomize
