wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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