if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
