Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
