i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
