alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
