The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
