I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
