Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
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That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
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Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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