I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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