omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!