Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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