Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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