I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
