The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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