i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
