I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
