Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
