Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
