So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
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his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
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I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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