I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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