I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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