shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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