I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
