So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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