Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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