Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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