I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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