Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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