you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
