Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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