I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
