He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
