are you still at the devil's house?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
so let's talk penis.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Randomize
