I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
