I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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