Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
