Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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