The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
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