I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
