Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
