I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
