that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
