By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
