It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
