Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
smell my finger.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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