finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
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i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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