the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
