hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
